For those of you close to me - you already know that I have always struggled with anxiety and depression throughout my life. I have learned ways to deal with it through the years and I'm definitely much "better" than I used to be in my younger days. But I still have days where I really struggle.
Sometimes I blame it on hormones, sometimes I blame it on the weather, and sometimes I just have no idea what to blame it on. I do know that part of it is my make-up and hard wired into me and I also know that a lot of it FOR ME comes down to deciding to get out of it.
That being said - some days are harder than others. Everyone is different and everyone has different levels of severity, so this post is in no way supposed to be about anyone else - but myself.
I never know used to know how to deal with my feelings, especially the anxiety. So I would usually retreat, and dwell on the feelings and let them eat me up inside. I've tried therapy, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications and none of them worked for me. I KNOW that these things definitely DO work for other people. I have some people who are very close to me that need medicine to balance them out - so I completely believe that some people need it. I just know that it's not for me.
What I have found that actually works is exercise. I never tried this before because it would actually mean I'd have to work at something and I couldn't just wallow in self-pity and be sad, waiting for people to ask me what's wrong. (yes, I can admit that I did that now because it's the truth).
These past few weeks I've felt a little "off". A little down. And certainly a little more than anxious. I can't explain why, just happens sometimes. Today, we had a great church service and our pastor talked about the veneer finish that we all put on our lives. The perfect pictures we post on facebook showing our best selves and our perfect family. The sun is always shining in facebook land, right? And while I do believe that positive thoughts are so incredibly powerful, I also believe in being real. So I wanted to share what is on my heart right now. Maybe just to get it out. Maybe in hopes that there may be one person out there that can relate and not feel so alone after reading this.
I've always been so concerned with what people may think of me. "I can't post that, what would so and so think?" Or, "These people might think it's ridiculous that I post such personal information". But you know what? What does it matter what people think? I care what God thinks and I care what my family thinks of me. I'm proud of who I am, and I want to be myself. If I choose to put myself out there, that's my decision. And if I can help just ONE person along the way - then everything is worth it. This life is so short, and I'm making the decision to stop worrying about what others think - and focus all of that energy on being the best me that I can be.
After church, I felt a really heavy heart. To the point that I just felt like crying. So instead of coming home and laying on the couch (the girls are gone right now so that would be possible), I decided to take my medicine. I got my workout clothes on, I strapped on my heart rate monitor, I laced up my tennis shoes and I decided to go for a run for the first time since May. I ran outside with no headphones. I wanted to hear the birds, the wind, the bugs, my shoes on the pavement, and my own breath. I had a goal that I would do three miles - running and walking of course. Then when I got home, I had a new goal that I wouldn't stop until I saw 700 calories burned on my heart rate monitor. So I put in my PiYo Drench DVD and did that. I reached both goals, I was a sweaty mess, I released a boat load of endorphins and I no longer felt the pit in my stomach and the urge to cry.
What is the point of this post? Not to pat myself on the back and say that I'm so awesome. Trust me, I could work SO much harder, eat so much better, treat people kinder, gossip less, pray more, and so on. It's to share the real-ness of me and my struggles. And to share how I'm working through those struggles. I'm so happy that I've found my passion for fitness. Why am I passionate about it? Do I enjoy reaching goals and being able to fit into my skinny jeans? Of course. Do I like to feel comfortable in my clothes? Absolutely. But the main reason I do it is because I care about my body and I know that this is my medicine. This is what I need to make my mind and body happy and healthy. When I make goals and reach them, when I push myself to my limits, when I feed my body with healthy food - this is when I feel best in both body and spirit.
What is your medicine?
