I know it sounds psychotic and it doesn't make any rational sense - but those feelings are hard to shake, at least for me.
I felt compelled to write about this because I caught myself having that inner struggle today and I wanted to try to express it in words. The morning started out pretty normal - was getting the girls ready so we could take Stella to preschool. Stella wanted to wear a dress and so I thought "perfect, she can wear the new shoes I bought her". So I get the shoes for her and she tells me that she just can't wear them because they hurt her feet. She said "I really like them but I just don't want to wear them". A lot of good that does, thought the stressed out mom trying to get out the door. (not like we would have been late because my brain can't process late - read here for more about that.) So we had to take take tights off and wear flip flops even though it probably wasn't weather suitable for flip flops (mom fail again). Then Vera can't decide between shoes. Clock is ticking. Mom gets more stressed out. Yes I understand these are all SUPER little things - but any Mom can relate here...it's the little things that build up that make you feel like you're just going to lose it sometimes.
So I told myself that we would go to the gym after Stella's school. The girls could go to Kid Zone, which they really enjoy, and I can go get a run in. It would be good for my mental state, I could get my workout in today since I didn't do it this morning (still tired and Nashville was on last night!). But what happens immediately after I make that decision? Mom GUILT creeps in or call it the Ego....whatever negative piece of you that is in there always trying to derail you from the truth. It tells me these things:
- really Krysta? you're going to go to the gym right after Stella was already at school for over 2 hours?
- should you really spending time way from your kids? aren't you a stay at home mom?
- Chad doesn't get breaks during his day to work out - why should you?
- maybe you should be doing an activity with the kids instead of thinking of yourself and your precious run.
- what are people going to think of you going to the gym when you should be with your kids?
These are just a few of the things this nasty voice tells me. Things trying to bring me down and make me feel bad about myself. Do you ever hear this voice in your head too? Some days we can let it take over everything if we let it. Some days I do, unfortunately. But today, I didn't. Not today.
Today I choose to answer that voice with very clear answers to those awful pieces of guilt it threw at me. Here is what I say...
Yes Krysta - we are going to the gym after Stella gets out of school. They like going to the Kid Zone and the interaction with the other kids is good for them too. Is a stay at home Mom not allowed to have any time to herself? You know what is not selfish? Deciding to quit my job and taking in my nice salary every two weeks so that I could stay home every day with these little girls. Making sacrifices and working my butt off so that I can be here for everything. So no - it's not selfish that I take a little bit of time to run on a treadmill- to clear my head - to do my therapy. Some could say that quitting your job is the easy thing to do, especially if you have a stressful one. I would agree that the stress of that job goes away. But there are also things you lose such as adult interaction, friendships at work, going out to lunch with people who's food you don't need to cut up, being mentally engaged and challenged in something...etc. The grass is always greener if you want to compare. But I don't! I think comparing is too dangerous and we need to do what works best for us and our families. I know Moms who absolutely love their jobs and can't imagine staying home every day with their kids. I know Moms who work but wish they didn't have to. I know Moms who stay at home. And they all love their kids the same. Can we stop comparing and judging...and just walk this journey together?
I want my girls to see the importance of taking care of yourself. I want them to be independent. I want them to know that even though their Mommy was with them 95% of the time, she also cared about herself enough to make time for herself. This post is in no way trying to make a case about staying at home vs working outside the home. They are both hard and they both have their benefits. And I can say with 100% certainty that my friends who work full time love their kids just as much as I love mine. To me it's about 3 things. 1. You love your kids no matter what and make sure they ALWAYS know that. 2. You do what you have to do for your family. 3. You do what works for you. God made us all different - that is the beauty of it. There is no perfect situation...there is no right or wrong. Just show love, throw judgment out the window and be there for each other.
After the gym I felt so rejuvenated both physically and mentally. The girls told me that they had a lot of fun playing and asked if we could come back later...haha! Win/Win.
Let's stop being so hard on ourselves over every little thing. Life is hard enough, why be our own worst enemies?
