In our small group, we are reading a book called "alter ego" and it's about becoming who God says you are. Let me tell you, this couldn't have come at a better time for me.
Let me back up a little bit....
I would say for most of my life I was a people pleaser. Ask my parents and my siblings - even as a very young child, my main focus in life was to try to make my parents happy and to try to be the peacemaker of the family. Nothing made me feel worse than to see my parents upset or disappointed. Even though this was probably nice for my parents, it did wear on me more than I knew. Most of the time I didn't care much what it meant for me - I would just do anything to make situations easier and calmer for everybody else. I didn't share my inner struggles a lot because I never wanted to burden anyone. I felt that things were hard enough - my family didn't need me coming to them with my problems. I remember feeling depressed at a very young age and pretending I was very strong. I also remember holding it in because I didn't want to hurt anyone else or make others feel like it was somehow their fault. I now know how dangerous this is because it led to a much bigger issue with depression and anxiety and it took me a really long time to truly deal with it.
That's me in the middle (if looking so much like Stella didn't give it away). Krysta the worry wart. That's what my siblings called me. Sometimes it's hard for me to see pictures of myself as a kid because I can remember the pain and sadness I felt even as a small child. Sometimes my feelings and my constant thoughts were just way too much for me. But I know that is how God made me. I was that way for a reason and now that I've learned to channel it in a positive way, things are MUCH easier. God never said this life would be easy...He just promised to walk through it with us, hand in hand. I also want to add that I had plenty of joy, fun and laughter in my young life too - I'm not trying to make my childhood sound gloom and doom at all....and I'm not placing blame on anyone.
As I grew up, I was still a people pleaser in other situations of life. In school, I wanted my teachers to be proud of me. I wanted them to think I was a great student and a smart one. I was always too hard on myself and would put too much pressure on myself to do great in school. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I did well - but sometimes you just have to give yourself a break...and I didn't do that nearly enough.
I was also a people pleaser among my friends. I wanted people to like to me and I would do anything, for anyone. Some people appreciated it and some people took advantage of it. As anyone knows - it's great to be concerned about others - but you shouldn't do everything at the expense of yourself. Sometimes when you give too much, to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons - that can become very dangerous.
Of course this went on into adult-hood and the theme continued. I wanted to make everyone proud of me always, went into a career that I thought I would like but didn't, but stuck with it because I wanted people to think I was successful (and I was comfortable with the income). I wanted to feel successful. I wanted to feel like all of my hard work wasn't wasted. In social situations I was always SO concerned with what people thought of me. I would be so nervous going out with other girls because I didn't think I would have an outfit that was cute enough, or I didn't feel skinny enough, or I didn't have the right things to talk about.
Always.so.worried - about what everyone else thought.
And then something started to change this last year. I think it started with finally taking care of myself physically. I worked really hard at changing my diet so that I eat clean and healthy - and I've dedicated myself to fitness and working out very regularly. And as I've gone along in my journey, I've built up more and more self-confidence along the way. While the physical confidence is nice - I believe that it's built up to so much more. I remember when I posted my first "progress" picture when I was doing T25. I almost had a full blown anxiety attack when I submitted that post on Facebook. All I could think was "other people are going to think I'm so stupid for posting that....or, people are going to think I'm bragging and will be so annoyed...or, some people are going to think I shouldn't post pictures of myself in a sports bra"...and the list goes on and on and on. My brain went into overdrive thinking of all the different things everyone would be thinking.
Then I got VERY positive feedback and people thanked me for posting that and I even had quite a few people inspired by it and they started their own journey with health and fitness. And what's even more awesome - some of those people made HUGE changes and their results & transformations (both physical and emotional) have been amazing.
And as I've gotten so involved with coaching, helping others, dedicating myself to personal development - my need to please people and my worry about what other people think has diminished significantly.... I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. And I can't tell you how FREEING that is. Absolutely freeing. It feels so good to just BE MYSELF. I know that not everyone will like me. And I also know that there is nothing I can do about that, and I'm finally at peace with it. There will be people out there that can't stand my facebook posts. And the beauty of that is - they can unfollow me. But I also know how many people do like reading my posts, seeing my pictures, and watching my journey unfold. I know that I have family and friends who love me, for me - the true ME and that they will be here by my side even if they don't full understand everything I'm doing. That is what love is about, right?
So for me it comes down to some simple things. My life here is so short. Why would I want to waste any more of it using up energy to worry about what other people think of me? I want to focus my energy on positive things. I want to be authentic. I care who I am - and I am only concerned about being the person that God intends me to be. I may not fit a certain mold and not everyone will understand me. But that is fine. It doesn't matter! When I'm 90 years old and thinking back on my life - I want to be proud that I let myself be real and that I went for my dreams and wasn't complacent in life. I know all the small, trivial things won't matter. It's not going to matter that a friend didn't like my facebook post. It's not going to matter that someone didn't like my career decision. All that will matter is how BIG I lived my life, and how my focus was helping other people while staying true to myself. I want my life to be about how many people I was able to positively impact. That I went for my dreams and learned from all of my failures.
My hope is that my girls will grow up learning how to be confident with who they are. That they will be comfortable in their own skin. That while they will want to make me proud - that they will care more about doing the next right thing - even if I don't understand it at the time.
