Someone told me recently that it always seems like I just have it all together. I almost spit out my coffee because it was just so funny to me. Because I know that it's just not the truth. I don't share every thing on social media because I like to spread positive vibes and I'm not really one to complain to the world (not anymore!). I also don't believe in portraying perfection and sunshine all the time though either - because that's just not real life.
I'm extremely blessed. I have worked very hard to get to where I am in my life right now and I have been so blessed with a wonderful husband, amazing children, and SO much more. But getting to this spot definitely took hard work. I get to stay home with my kids now...something I know some people wish they were able to do. But one thing I don't like hearing is "you're so lucky to be able to do that!" I've said it before and I'll say it again...I don't believe in luck. YOU create your own luck. I believe in blessings yes, but not luck. If you want something, you work hard to make it happen. I started working when I was 12 years old. I worked in my family's restaurant washing dishes. I could barely reach the stacks of glasses because I was so young..but I did it. I worked every weekend and some week nights when people would call in sick. I realize now - but 12 is YOUNG. But it started a very good work ethic in me. I worked my butt off my whole life. All through high school, all through college while always having a full load of classes, and then all my adult life in my accounting career. Then we come to this point. I decided that I wanted to stay home with my girls while they were little and we made changes and sacrifices to make that happen. I LOVE being able to spend this precious time with my kids, I love being able to work from home building my Beachbody business, and I love growing and becoming a better person.
But it's most certainly not all sunshine. I have struggled a LOT in my life. My early childhood was tough for me and I had to grow up and take care of people at a very early age. None of this came without a cost. I suffered from depression and anxiety starting early in life but never addressed it because I always felt that my job was to take care of people...not to add another burden (me & my depression) to their already full plates. So I held it in and pushed it back. I never truly knew how to deal with any of it besides just being sad and feeling like I was crazy and that's just the way it was going to be. I share this and am not ashamed to do so because I think its extremely important to share our stories and our struggles. It does no good tucking them in and hiding them away.
Right before I moved to Chicago to take a new job back in 2007, I had what you would call a complete mental breakdown. I was so unhappy with myself and my life that I just honestly didn't know what to do anymore. I broke free from a lot of things and kind of started over. It was one of the hardest and one of the best decisions I could have made for myself and for my future. I was learning more and more who I really was - and I was learning something VERY important: Nobody is coming to save me. Nobody is going to make me feel less sad. Nobody is going to take all the scars and the hurts away from me. I needed to choose to be the hero of my own story. Of course I believe with my whole heart that Jesus is the true hero of my story - but I'm talking about making the conscious decision to take my life into my own hands, to deal with the "demons", and to make this life meaningful.
My relationship with Chad was the biggest blessing God ever gave me. He made me feel completely safe, secure, loved, smart, beautiful, sane, and undamaged. Once I was able to see what a healthy relationship and partnership was supposed to look like and once I believe that it was actually possible to be that good - things changed. I also had to let myself believe that I deserved it too. Chad taught me that I could change my way of thinking and I could allow the good in and make the CHOICE to live a happy life.
Then my kids came and my life changed again. I never knew what kind of love we are capable of having until we had them. I have always wondered what my purpose in this life was. I now know that my main purpose in this life is being a Mommy to these little girls who God trusted me with. While every day is certainly not easy because being a Mom (especially one who is home all the time with them) can definitely come with it's challenges! It's the hardest yet most rewarding job I've ever had the pleasure of doing. My heart literally bursts just thinking of my love for them. There are some days that are extra hard where I miss having adult interaction and I struggle sometimes feeling like I belong....but that's just part of where I'm at right now and I accept that.
After I decided to be a stay at home Mom and finished my first challenge group as a challenger doing T25 and Shakeology - I decided to go for it and start my own business with Beachbody. It's amazing just how much my outlook on life has changed since being involved with coaching. I'm constantly surrounded by other like-minded people who are so passionate about helping others, about health & fitness, and who are insanely driven to reach their goals and dreams for their lives. This has been such a wonderful experience so far and I'm SO happy that I decided to dive in and just do it even though it seemed scary at first. It takes most of my free time when the kids are sleeping, and it does take work - but it's so worth it to me because I've found something that I actually feel passion for. There are days that are really tough and there are days that totally rock. But that's what life is. Nothing is ever good and easy ALL the time....that is not realistic. Anything with real value takes work.
I still struggle sometimes with my anxiety & depression. Sometimes it feel like it rears its ugly head, but things are different now. I recognize it, I try to work through whatever is making me feel that way, I talk about it, and I remind myself that IT DOES NOT CONTROL ME. I control how I view this life and I really want to make the most of the little time I have here. I want to spread positive, uplifting words and thoughts to people and I want people to know that we really can do anything we set our minds to. This post really seems like a big jumbled mess of my thoughts...but I hope that some of it made sense. I just never want someone to be turned off by me always staying positive and think that I wouldn't possibly understand anything they are going through. We ALL struggle. We all have our own back-stories and we are always dealing with our own stuff.
I share this stuff because I know how much less alone I feel when I have read someone else's story. If someone reads this and thinks "oh, me too" - then this vulnerable post is worth it to me.
We are all fighting our own battles. Have a kind heart and never assume anything about people. We are all in this together.
