I've talked before about how I'm a pretty extreme introvert. Some people find it hard to believe since I live my life so out loud on social media, but if you understand what an introvert really is, you'd realize that having my platform on social media is quite perfect for an introvert like me.
I've really never been a huge social bug. Sure I loved hanging out with my friends in high school. But in college, I wasn't a partier. I spent most of my time with my roommate who became my best friend and then a couple other close friends here and there. Usually hanging out at our dorm or apartment....in my safe space.
I do well with few close friends and don't need a lot of people around me.
And it's not that I don't love people. I really do. I love meeting new people. I love hearing people's stories. I love to learn about different people and I'm fascinated by the lives other people can live. I do NOT like small talk at all. It literally makes me want to poke my eyeballs and run away. Like makes my skin crawl.
Then I stumbled into online health and fitness coaching and it was P.E.R.F.E.C.T. for me. I could help tons of people with something I am super passionate about - getting/staying healthy....and I could do it all from the comfort of my bubble. #winning
I've come to accept the way I am. I used to be really hard on myself about it. Like I felt something must be wrong with me that I'm so anti-social. Why do I want to be home all the time and not go out and do stuff with people? I'm much better as being kinder to myself these days, but sometimes those thoughts creep in.
And then a lot of times I'll hang out with people and feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I just can't find my place in this world. Like I'm just too much for this world and for a lot of people. I don't do many "traditional" things like work a normal job and stay there. I speak what's on my mind and rarely hold things back. Sometimes I feel like that is hard for people to handle.
Do you ever feel out of place? Maybe that's another reason I love being at home with my family so much. I know who I am here. I belong here. I am Chad's wife and the girls Mommy. And I know how to do that and be that. But I swear out in the world I can feel so lost. I get worn down by the fact that some people are hard to trust. I get saddened when I put my trust in friendships that turn out to be fake.
I take so much on emotionally that I get purely exhausted by it all. Sometimes I have days where I honestly just think "what is it all for? why am I here? every day just keeps passing and I don't understand the point." And I don't say that in a morbid way like I don't wish to be here. But I seriously wonder those things and want to live with extreme purpose. I don't think we were just put on this Earth to grow up, work, pay bills and die. I can't believe that.
And maybe that's why you always see me chasing dreams. You may see me and think "what in God's sweet name is she doing now?" I'll tell you what I'm not doing.....I'm not going to sit here and say "I WISH"...I'm just going to keep DOING. Because I really believe that we have the world at our fingertips. If you want something, you freaking go for it with all of your heart. I know I'll continue to fail forward and I'll keep finding myself a little more along the way. But it's part of my journey.
I hope that anyone out there who might feel a little (or a lot) lost like me can relate to anything I've said in this jumbled mess of a blog post. Just know you're not alone if you feel....different or out of place.
There is a place for all of us and it doesn't have to be at the popular table. It doesn't have to be at the next big party. It doesn't have to be at your next pinterest worthy kids birthday party. It doesn't have to be any of the things you're not comfortable with. I'll keep doing my thing even if I feel weird and out of place.....because I truly believe we should be ourselves no matter what. Always be authentic to WHO YOU ARE instead of who you think the world wants you to be.
xoxo, krysta joelle
