Last week felt like an eternity, I'll tell you that much.
My Mom had (what it turned out to be) a mini stroke. So I traveled to the East side of the state twice last week. Thanks to God - she is doing well, is home and should not have permanent damage.
We had to put our dog to sleep last week too. It was heartbreaking and so hard. I still can't believe it. But we couldn't stand to see him in pain anymore.
Thankfully our girls have such rock solid faith and they believe that all of God's creatures go to heaven. I believe that too. Two nights ago all of us woke up and the girls both told me they had a dream about Beethoven, and so did I. I think it was a special sign. <3
I had someone say something not so nice to me. They did not mean it and they were going through a very tough time when they sent it to me, but it still got to me. You see, everything I do - all of the many many many hours I spend helping people....it's truly to help them. 90% of what I do isn't "required"....it's because this is where my heart is. And when someone questions that, it feels like a giant blow to my heart. And to what I've built.
So to say last week was emotional is an understatement.
I've been struggling since.
I think that when things are going super good. And you are out in the world spreading light and the love of Jesus....Satan, or the ego...whatever you call it....doesn't like that too much. So things get thrown at us to throw us off kilter. Oh and boy does it work sometimes.
I can go from feeling on top of the world to feeling completely defeated. You see I think a lot of it is the pressure I put on myself. I just want to help people SO BAD. I want them to do well and be happy and be healthy. But that doesn't always happen. People aren't ready sometimes and it's hard for me to not take that personally like I failed them somehow.
But the fact of the matter is...they have to show up for themselves. I can only do so much as a coach. I devote so much of my time supporting those who decide to show up every day. Both my challengers and my coaches.
Why am I even writing this or sharing this? I have no idea. I just really felt like I needed to write so I did :)
So much of my posts (yes I know there are a lot)...are positive and uplifting. Because that is what I'm about. But I also struggle. And I'm always working through things myself. Nothing just comes easy to me. So if you do see my posts....my workout posts, my clean eating posts, my positive posts - please don't think "oh I wish I had her will power or determination" or "I wish it was just easier for me like it is for her". Please don't think that. Because it's just not true.
Everything in life is a choice.
It's a choice to eat healthy or to not eat healthy.
It's a choice if you want to spend your money on clothes and purses, or a superfood nutrition shake.
It's a choice if you put your tennis shoes on and spend 30 minutes a day sweating, or if you just keep watching tv instead.
It's a choice if you are happy or not. TRUST ME. This one is a hard pill to swallow. Because I know what depression and anxiety is. But I also know that NOTHING will make you happy if you don't make the decision to be happy and thankful. Will it still be hard and can you still feel sad - YES. But you make a choice daily. Hourly....to let your circumstances control you or to make things better.
SMILE. I will try my best to as well <3
