So I don't even know where to begin this post, but it's one that I've been thinking about and wanting to write for a while now.
But I've been scared. And ashamed I guess.
You see - I've talked a lot about my struggles with anxiety and depression throughout my life and I have also talked about how my healthy lifestyle has helped me to overcome so much of that. So it's been really hard for me to admit - even to myself - that the anxiety had crept back in and taken over so much of my life. Not because I want to hide it. Mostly because I want to be a positive force in the world. I want to inspire people and I want to be a great leader to my team and a great coach to my challengers. I don't want to let people down.
Defeat. That's what I've felt. Why can't I handle this on my own? If I just change my way of thinking. If I'm just more thankful. If I just try harder. If I could just learn how to calm down better. Try harder. Be better. You are stronger than this. Pray harder.
Defeat.
Defeat.
And Krysta loses.
It went on for too long and it was starting to cripple me. Short fuse. Very bad social anxiety. Not wanting to make any plans because it all just seemed too overwhelming. Feeling like a bad mom. Then feeling guilty for not being happy all of the time. And cycle repeats and repeats.
I have everything to be happy about. My life and my world is amazing. I have the most incredible husband on the face of this world. Seriously - the best. I'm not trying to be super corny, but I couldn't ask for a better person to share my life with. I never thought I would actually be in a relationship with someone like this ever. Where we actually respect each other 100%. Lift one another up. Don't fight. Really? I thought everyone just kind of fought a lot. Turns out it doesn't have to be that way. Anyway - I digress. I have an amazing husband who is way more than I could have ever asked for. And he's the best Dad too. He is the Dad who comes home every day from work and plays with his kids. Gives me breaks because he knows I'm with them all day and knows how hard that can be. He is always present and helps me with everything. I have beautiful, smart, funny, loving, insanely fun girls. SO BLESSED.
I get to be home with my girls and be present in their lives. I get to be my own boss and work on building my own business FROM HOME. In yoga pants. Every day. How could I possibly be anxious or depressed?
There isn't anything about my life that I would want to change. Nothing. So when the anxiety and sometimes depression sneaks in - I think WTF, seriously - why do you feel this way. What is wrong with you. Then I feel a little crazy. Like seriously loco. What is wrong with me.
So I finally decided to ask for help. Because nothing was making sense to me and it wasn't fair to my family or to myself. I wasn't doing an ok job on my own. Something in my brain isn't working right. Chemical imbalance. It's in the genes and just like someone with a health issue - it's OK to ask for help. So I went to my doctor finally and started taking something to help me. Still working on getting it all right. But for now - I guess I just wanted to share my story because I always want to be transparent. And it's hard for me to sneak this into a Facebook post. But I'm not going to post about this all the time on Facebook because I want to spread positive vibes.
At first I absolutely felt defeated because I so badly wanted to just deal on my own. But after time and lots of prayer, I am ok with the fact that I asked for help. It's ok. I put a lot of pressure on myself and the stress can be debilitating sometimes. I want to be everything to everyone and I never want to let anyone down. That's my biggest fear. Most of all - I never want to let my family down. I want to be the best Mom and that's SO HARD. Because as any other parent knows - you feel like a failure so much of the time and that's just normal.
But anyway - that's whats going on with me. I feel very exposed posting this, but thats ok. It feels kind of freeing too. I am so thankful that exercise helps me and it definitely still does....but now I just need a little extra help too. work.in.progress. always.
