in the middle of the night
when worry finds me
in the middle of a fight
when strength is gone
in the middle of a fire
when fear is closing in
You are, You are my song
You're my hope - when hope is gone
i will cast my cares on You the almighty
i will cast my cares on You 'cause You're good
i will cast my cares on You 'cause You love me, You love me
oh, oh because You love me
Do you have certain songs that just do something to you? This is one of them for me. Last night we were at Camp Geneva for a huge One Baptism event that our church was a part of. This was one of the songs we sang during worship. And I seriously don't know why - but it makes me cry. Every.single.time.
I think it's God working on me. For some reason this song reminds me of the way I used to feel. The word to describe the way I felt for most of my life is "broken". I always felt a lot older than my age and I felt the need to take care of everyone and try to fix any situation I could get my hands on. That started at a VERY early age. It's just the way God wired me to be, and it was the way I learned to be because of certain situations. My parents divorced when I was 6 and I know a lot of it started then. I wanted them to be together. What kid doesn't? I would watch the movie Parent Trap with Hayley Mills and try to imagine a way I could get my parents back together just like the little girls did on the movie. I didn't like having to see my parents less because we had to go from house to house. I still remember the tears and I can literally still feel them deep down in my soul.
I felt guilty all of the time. For everything. Things that weren't even in my control. Things that nobody made me feel guilty for. I would make a craft at school and they were supposed to be for your parents. Well, I had sure better hurry up and try to make two because I can't make mom or dad feel bad if I didn't make them both one.
I couldn't stand to see anyone unhappy or hurting. Especially my parents. And unfortunately I saw a lot of that for a while.......
ok. just broke down crying. need to regroup and get ahold of myself.
Ok. Moving on.
So I was like that pretty much my whole life. Trying to make people happier. Trying to fix situations. Slowly breaking down inside as the years went on. I would tell everyone I was fine because the last thing I wanted to do was to make people worry about me and have something else on their plate. I didn't want to be a burden. I know now that I wouldn't have been, but I sure didn't know it then.
Years and years of pretending to be ok does a number on you. It's lonely.
I'm thankful that I always had a pretty good head on my shoulders and had goals. My parents always taught me the important things in life. They taught me how to treat people and they taught me how to work hard. All of that coupled with the fact that I wouldn't ever want to disappoint them - kept me on the straight and narrow path for the most part. That is not saying I didn't make my fair share of mistakes. Maybe one day I will have the courage to share those.
But just because I didn't act out - doesn't mean I didn't feel like I was dying inside.
I won't make this post any longer than it already is. I have so much more to share about my journey, my mistakes, my triumphs - but for today I just wanted to share what was on my heart about being broken.
Because there is redemption and restoration.
I know that God made me. And that He DOES NOT make mistakes. Every path we go down in life, He knows it before we walk it. And He is right there beside me. Every step of the way. Most of my life I didn't understand it. I always looked to other people for my happiness. And I always felt alone and broken.
But God takes our brokeness and makes it beautiful. So beautiful.
And even though you might follow my blog or follow me on facebook and see me happy and smiling and posting motivational quotes all the time - I want you to know that everything just didn't come easy for me. I have had to work for everything and to get to this spot emotionally.
And why share it? Why spill it all out here for even strangers to see? Because I want someone out there who might feel absolutely broken and alone to know that it doesn't have to be that way. Things can change and you can change. And if I can help even by just talking with you or praying with you - I would love to do that. And if you're too scared to talk about it - that's ok. Maybe one day you will be ready.
And you can remember that you are NOT alone in this. Ever.
