When I have plans to do something, especially with a group of people - I have major anxiety leading up to it. I don't even know what about. I'm not scared of people. I really enjoy talking to people. BUT I am just not a huge fan of small talk. The regular questions that people ask all the time kind of make my skin crawl. I don't like talking about myself...especially the stuff that I feel you have to repeat over and over again. I think that's why I love meeting new people and I can try to spend all the time asking them questions about themselves. I love to have deeper, meaningful conversations and those are very easy for me to have.
But anyway - when I have something to go to - I usually have an inner freakout beforehand. I try to think of every excuse in the book to cancel the plans. I usually don't cancel because I also value people's time and I don't like to go back on my word when I say I'm going to do something. But I usually feel like I need a glass of wine before I get to wherever I'm going. NO, I don't do that - but I sure want to....to ease the nerves.
I'm always insanely early for anything I go to. Because one, I'm a time freak and I always have been and two, I feel so uncomfortable going to something by myself and showing up to a group of people. I'd rather be the first one there so I don't have an akward entrance. Not sure if that makes any sense, but it does in my head. :)
Another example. When we go to church, we are usually one of the first people there...we check our kids into their kid's programming and we go sit down. We aren't the people in the back chatting with other people. Because it freaks me out. I wish I could change that, but it's just the way I feel. Sometimes I'll see someone I know and I'll start to worry that they are going to talk to me. Isn't that awful? These are people I REALLY like and want as friends, yet I squirm and try to act busy with the girls so I can avoid small talk.
Sometimes this all leaves me feeling very overwhelmed and depressed and I feel like an outsider, because I make myself one. But I've come to the conclusion, that this is just the way I'm wired. I'm an introvert and I love to be home, I love my alone time (with my family of course), and I just am never going to be one that enjoys the small talk. Some days I beat myself up about it because I never want people to think I'm rude or stand-offish....because I truly do care about people. But as I've started to be more comfortable in my skin, I'm realizing that it's OK to be different. God made me this way for a reason and I just have a different path than that.
I think this is one of the biggest reasons I love being a Beachbody coach. I get to fulfill my passion of helping other people. I get to have a huge community of like minded people to talk to any time I want to. I meet new people all the time, through my team and through my challenge groups. And I can do it in a place where I'm more comfortable....at home. I do know that stepping outside of my comfort zone is especially important though so I make sure that I'm not a hermit and live my life behind a computer screen. But it's all about balance. I did a workout bootcamp at my church for a few weeks. Not because I wanted to, but because I was asked if I would and I knew it would be so beneficial to the women at my church AND to me - to get me out of that comfort zone. I was VERY nervous beforehand but each time got easier and easier. I know good things happen outside of your comfort zone.
So like anything else - I'm ALWAYS a WORK IN PROGRESS. I'm always working on the inner struggles. I guess I just wanted to share what was on my mind because I know there are others out there that can relate. And if it sometimes eats you up inside because you feel anti-social or like you alienate yourself....it's all OK! We are not all the same and that is what is so beautiful about us. We all have different strengths and weaknesses and things that make us tick. So join me in trying to just embrace the differences and work on being the best you that you can possibly be.
Here is what I continually try to work on. I'm all about lists.
1. STOP worrying about what other people think. It.does.no.good.
2 STOP comparing yourself to other people. It's like comparing apples to oranges. We are not the same. We do not look the same, we do not think the same, and we all have a different story. Make your story your own and don't worry about anyone else. Because everyone has their own battles.
3. Keep working on doing things to get me out of my comfort zone. Even if they are little things.
4. Don't beat myself up. Remind myself that I am strong, smart, caring, and unique. I want to view myself as God, my creator, views me.
5. Don't take life so seriously. We are here for such a short period of time. I need to stop worrying about yesterday. Stop worrying about tomorrow. And just take it one day at a time. Not everything in life needs to be planned out (as much as my type A OCD brain thinks it does). As my Pastor reminded us on Sunday....God gives us exactly enough of what we need to get through one day. The next day He will provide for that day. So just slow down and TRUST.
